I hope that what I’m about to share with you is common knowledge in the online dating world. Just in case some of you didn’t get the memo, though, I’m going to talk about consent and when it’s really not okay to make your move.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of instances when coming on to your date might be considered inappropriate. My hope is that you can use common sense to apply my underlying message to your own life, and recognize when enthusiastic consent has not been granted.
She’s Emotionally Distraught
Forget what you’ve seen in the movies—putting the moves on a woman who’s crying or angry will not make everything okay. Sure, it’s an effective way to change the subject— at least temporarily— but at what cost? You’re essentially taking advantage of her weakened state to get your rocks off, and that’s gross.
Also, this approach could backfire by making her even more upset. Don’t assume that your penis is some magical antidote for frustration and despair. In some cases, it could be yet another stressful thing that’s coming at her
She’s Too Incapacitated to Consent
You might recall a little video that surfaced a few years ago about tea and consent (see end of post.) It simply and effectively compares serving someone tea with offering up sex. One of the more poignant parts of the video shows a stick-figure man pouring tea down the throat of a drunken and passed stick-figure woman while the narrator asserts, “unconscious people don’t want tea.”
If your date is falling down drunk or passed out, don’t sleep with her. If she was consenting at the start of your fuck-fest but has since passed out, stop what you’re doing, make sure she’s safe, and revisit the topic sex with her another day.
She’s on the Fence or Hinting Disinterest
True consent is 100% clear: “Yes, I want to have sex with you.” If she’s not sure, or she’s saying things like, “I’m a little tired” or “I had a long day” or “Maybe later, don’t try to seduce her in an attempt to change her mind.
Some women are too people pleasing to tell you to fuck off. Instead they might try to let you down easy by expressing their disinterest in subtle self-blaming ways: “I didn’t sleep well last night” or “I’m not feeling like myself.” The only thing you should do if she hesitates at all when you make your move is abort the mission. Don’t assume she’s playing hard to get. Take her words at face value and wait until she’s feeling better to try again.
She Says She Just Wants to Be Friends
It doesn’t matter that you feel a certain developing chemistry between the two you, if she said she didn’t want to take things to the next level, believe her. Sure, it might be frustrating and you might feel that her words don’t match the signals her body is sending you, but until she makes a move, or expressly states that she wants to have sex with you, you need to keep it in your pants.
Horny brains have a way of tricking us into thinking the pathway is cleared for sex, when really, it isn’t. It’s a lie your cock is spouting based on wishful thinking. In short, the only time you should make your move is when she says she wants it.
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