Kink vs. BDSM: What's the Difference?

It’s not always easy to explain your kinky sexual proclivities to a new lover, or even to close friends. Most of my young adult sexual life was vanilla… maybe a little chocolate sauce on top, but nothing I would call kinky or that would fall into the realm of BDSM.

Of course, like most people who are open and adventurous, my sexual interests and tastes evolved. This came about with experience and meeting men who were very open about their kinks and bedroom eccentricities. These same men were able to make me comfortable in expanding my sexual horizons.

So, what’s the problem, you ask? The problem is… I’ve scared a few men off! For me, being kinky is different than being into BDSM, but many people, especially vanillas, will lump all of this under WEIRD… or worse, WEIRDO! Let me explain…

These are some of the things I have tried and enjoyed: spanking, blindfolds and sensory play, bondage, role playing, and various sex toys. Does this make me a weirdo? Hardly. I take a very playful approach to all my sexual explorations and would describe myself as a little kinky, but far from living the BDSM lifestyle.

What’s the Difference Between Kink and BDSM?

BDSM Definition

BDSM is actually an acronym. It stands for Bondage, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. So BDSM can refer to sexual activities like those on the Kink Lovers List of BDSM Activities, or in some cases reference relationships with an element of domination and submission.

Kink Definition

Kink is a little harder to define. To me, being kinky means you’re curious and open about your sexuality and relationships, in a way that goes against societal norms. Kink really is different for everyone, as the idea of “normal” is very subjective. As a noun, a kink might also refer to a particular fetish.

Although I would consider myself more submissive than dominant on the D/s spectrum, I do not play submissive in the bedroom… even if I’m tied up. I prefer to be tantalized and teased rather than humiliated or dominated. Not that there’s anything wrong with Dom-sub relationships; to each his own, as long as it’s consensual.

I met someone on a hookup site recently and we began flirting online. I asked if he ever tied up a girl before, and I could tell by his reaction that he thought that was not sexy at all. Once we met in person and talked, he realized my perspective wasn’t the same as his. He thought the idea was misogynistic, while I thought it was a way to have an awesome orgasm. I think he might be coming around to my point of view… fingers crossed!

I try to be very clear, if I’m planning to engage in anything kinky with someone new because trust and understanding are essential. To me (and maybe others) there’s a fine line between what I like and don’t like, and having clear boundaries and limits help to define what that line is.