Q: Dear Holly. I want to try bondage with my girlfriend. We’ve been going out for eight months after meeting online. She’s fun and quirky, and she loves sex as much as I do. It’s just a bit pedestrian for me. I guess I’ve had some wild lovers in my past, and I miss the kink and adventure of certain things, especially bondage. How should I bring this up, so that I don’t scare her off the idea, or worse, me?!? – Chris
A: Hey Chris. Talking openly about sex—desires, fantasies, kinks, boundaries—to a girlfriend, partner, even lover, is extremely important. This dialogue helps you to bond, build intimacy, and enjoy your sex lives to the fullest.
This can be challenging for even kinky folks like myself because we worry about exposing our inner fantasies and fetishes. We worry what our partner will think of us if we tell them the truth? But the truth is, it’s better to be honest with others and ourselves if we really want to be happy.
Take the plunge and ask your girlfriend what she thinks about bondage. Yes, she will automatically think it’s something you’re interested in, but so what—that’s the truth! Bondage isn’t the kinkiest of kinks when it comes to all things BDSM. You might even be surprised to find out she’s already tried it, or is totally game to explore it with you, or has a pair of handcuffs hidden in her closet!
She will likely ask if you’ve tried it, and of course it’s okay for you to talk about, just don’t go into any long sordid tales about sex with exes. Women don’t want to hear too many intimate details about your sexual adventure with other women. Focus on your girl, and answer questions truthfully, yet plainly.
If she is keen to explore bondage with you, let her be in control when it comes to the setting, kinds of restraints used, and what kind of play will happen once she’s tied up (unless it’s you that is hoping to be compromised!) Also, choose a safe word, as this will make her more comfortable about being in a submissive position.
You can also ask her what sexual fantasies or kinks she wants to try or has tried in the past and enjoyed. The hardest part about talking about sex is just starting. Once you both feel at ease with this kind of conversation, you’ll be surprised what comes out.
Let us know how things unfold!
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