I Enjoy Voyeurism: Am I a Pervert?

Dear Jamie,

Nothing gets me hotter than watching a woman undress, or seeing other people have sex. I’ve been with quite a few women, and a couple of men, and enjoyed quite a variety of sex and kinky experiences. But when all is said and done, what turns me on more than anything else is very simple: watching other people have sex, or even just a glimpse of a woman peeing or taking off her bra. I jerk off about it later, and can relish an instant over and over.

Thing is, this makes me a pervert. Because I’m peering into people’s apartments with my binoculars, hoping to catch an eyeful. I don’t record women’s bathrooms or anything because that would be wrong, but I am always on the lookout for what I can find.

Voyeuristic disorder is considered a pathology by psychologists because generally the people we watch can’t consent. I don’t want to be that guy, believe me. But most of my sexuality is there—in watching.

What can I do? – Justin

What to Do with Your Voyeuristic Desires

Dear Justin,

Thank you for such an honest and candid letter.

Here’s a little perspective, before you dismiss yourself as a pervert or criminal: “watching” or voyeurism is essential to most people’s sexuality, in a way. We are all moved by beauty and by sexual beauty, and it is often the first thing that triggers us toward a physical relationship with someone.

In that sense, what turns you on is very normal.

Secondly, you acknowledge the tricky obstacle here—consent—and see it as problematic. You aren’t putting peep cams around or stalking someone. I can tell you I have used binoculars to spy on my neighbors, too—never mind that it was to see what kind of art they had in their jazzy apartments, it probably crosses a line, but shows we are all curious about others, whether it is about sex or not.

So you can view this letter as an opportunity to find a way to satisfy your thrill of looking in a way that doesn’t impede on anyone else’s rights or privacy. This is the moment you take control of your sexuality and choose to be satisfied and accept yourself while looking for ways to make sure you don’t infringe on someone else.

What is the opposite kink to voyeurism? Exhibitionism. Say what? A match made in heaven! Not every kinky lover has a perfect counterpart. But you do! Find exhibitionist women or couples on kinky dating sites, or ask for her in your online dating profiles.

You can also look for kinky partners who are into threesomes and role plays, who are willing to perform for you. You can make very elaborate plans—someone with a back window may give you permission to come and watch them making love from a tree in their backyard. I’m serious—such arrangements are not uncommon, and offer a thrill to the ones being watched. I would personally find it hot if I thought one of my other lovers might be outside watching me make love.

You can go to a strip club or a sex club, too. Lots of dancers will be happy to perform for you  in a way that offers you the pace or the mystery you might desire.

Finally, there are women out there who are sexual creatures but don’t want to go “all the way” for whatever reason—it might not be easy to find the one who wants to undress or masturbate for you, but not impossible either.

Let us know how it goes!