Every woman has different sexual desires, but when it comes down to it, we all want a man to touch us the way we want to be touched, and the opportunity to express our enthusiastic consent.
Here are foreplay moves that I find gross. I’ve totally made up the names for them, so don’t go looking them up in the Urban Dictionary, but if you do know of an alternate definition for any of these, let us know in the comments. Could be interesting!
The Etch-a-Sketch
The Etch-a-sketch gave me hours of entertainment when I was a child. I developed fine motor skills, all the while delighting in the fact that I could create elaborate designs, just with a turn of the dials. I can always tell when I’m in bed with a fellow enthusiast, because it feels like he’s trying to write his name with my nipples.
It happens more than you might imagine, so think about how you handle a woman’s breasts. Are you touching her in a sensitive way, or are you treating her body like a toy that’s designed solely for your amusement?
The Finger Piston
What’s hotter than someone jamming his finger into my pussy straight on, then thrusting it in and out as fast as he can? Pretty much anything. Faster does not always equal more pleasure, and thrusting anything straight into a vagina is a recipe for pain.
Direct your fingers toward the small of her back, palm up. That way, you will not only follow her natural shape, but you will also find her G-spot. Go slowly, especially to start, and trim your fingernails for fuck’s sake!
The Dill Pickle
You know those soggy pickle spears that accompany deli sandwiches? The last time a guy stuck his tongue in my ear, that’s exactly what I thought of. It even made me do that scrunched up, dill pickle face that happens when I eat one of them. Not sexy.
If you want to see how sensitive your partner’s ears are, start by lightly blowing in them. You can move up to small kisses or licks if she’s feeling it. Maybe eventually stick your whole tongue in there, but don’t lead with that.
The Mama Bird
Never assume that your girlfriend’s mouth is just waiting to be filled with your cock and balls. Blowing you should always be her idea. If she doesn’t offer, she probably doesn’t want to do it, and shoving your crotch in her face is not a respectful way to ask.
If you know that your girlfriend likes to go down on you, ask her if she would be willing to. Use words instead of actions to make your desire known. It won’t spoil the mood, but rather give you the chance to see if she enthusiastically consents. If she doesn’t, don’t push it.
The Pernicious Pinkie
Speaking of consent, anal penetration is in its own category and requires additional permission! Don’t think you can sneak in there with your little finger while visiting the vag. You wouldn’t break into someone’s house, then claim you had the right to because you were hanging out with the neighbors.
Unexpected anal is a violation. If it’s something you want to try, ask! Start slow with lots of lube and communication. There’s nothing sexy about a dry finger up the ass. I hope someone makes that my epitaph.
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