A Few Thoughts About Teeth
Missing front teeth spoil a profile pic.
Dog-breath is a buzzkill.
Swollen/raw/bleeding gums are unkissable.
Some people obviously didn’t learn the basics as a child. I once dated a woman who had never had her teeth professionally cleaned in all her life. I was crazy about her, but I felt like a loser having to break the news that mouth-on-mouth action was unpleasant. I couldn’t, however, tell her that that was the reason I preferred the blowjobs.
Here’s the thing: it’s not like having a bad hair day, or skipping a shave. No matter how gorgeous you are, how sexy, smart, funny — an unhygienic mouth will sink your romance.
Read the following list. If you recognize your own habits at all, then you better get it into your head that chances are your mouth is being scrutinized by your date — most likely to his or her friends the next day.
Brush every morning. Wrong. Carry a brush and paste, and clean your teeth after every meal, even at work. Don’t be shy to do so after a coffee break, too. Think people will find you weird for carrying a toothbrush around? Think again. Anytime I’ve whipped out a toothbrush at work, someone in the room comments on how sexy they think that is. Every time. Promise.
Floss before bedtime. Wrong. Floss before you brush, every time. In fact, if you can only choose between flossing and brushing, floss. It’s what clears away the bacteria that causes most of that odor. It’s what saves your gums and your teeth. It’s not pretty to see, and bits of goodness-knows-what fly hither thither, and unlike brushing it’s clearly not sexy, but having healthy gums that hold your teeth in place can only help your cause on date night.
When you can smell your breath, it’s time to visit the hygienist. Wrong. Every six months, rain or shine, minty fresh or not, ONLY having your teeth cleaned professionally on a regular basis will keep your mouth healthy. I know it’s not a groovy way to pass the time, but suck it up. Depending on your budget, add nitrous oxide to help take the edge off the discomfort. I certainly do.
Crooked teeth are no problem (in fact, I’d even say they’re interestingly sexy!) Filled teeth are all about genetics and chocolate bars. Yellow teeth can be whitened. But smelly gums and missing teeth will make you one lonely lover.
Teeth are for life. An ex-girlfriend once said something to me: “I plan on dying with all my teeth. All my real teeth.”